Tomorrow.

Tomorrow marks one month since our world was turned upside down. I can't
believe it has been that long already. I was talking to my aunt today and I told
her I was actually having trouble remembering how Ashton was before. She said
she could and that she gets flashes of memories and they make her sad. She is his
most favorite aunt by the way and she spends alot of time with him. She also said maybe
my brain is blocking out those memories because they are too painful. I don't know....I do
know that Pat recently showed me a quick video we did on his camera of Ashton in the shower
being so cute. He insisted on taking a shower instead of a bath and didn't want any help.
We had to keep the curtain closed, but Pat managed to stick his camera inside without him seeing and caught some really cute stuff...he was trying to wash like a big person and was so determined. When I saw that the other day I just felt like I was punched in the gut, or in the heart. I just keep telling myself that he will be that way again, healthy and happy. I just need to have patience.

Tomorrow we also start Chemo and Radiation. Strange how it is exactly a month since diagnosis. I am a bit fearful of what to expect as far as reaction to the drugs, but I know we are in the best hands and things should be explained as we go along.

Today went better then I expected. We had our "dress rehearsal" and set up for radiation.
Ashton had to not eat again, but it will be that way M-F for 6 weeks so I need to get used to it.
He did ok since the procedure time was earlier then last time. This time I stayed with him as they put him to sleep. There was a bit of time where no one knew what they really wanted to do with his sleep medicine. From now on, they will just put it through the tube in his port, but since it wasn't accessed, meaning didn't have a needle with a tube hanging off, they were either going to access it in the procedure room or give him the gas. I guess accessing the port can be very traumatic for some kids. We are to apply a numbing cream an hour before the access, so it doesn't hurt. Its just that there is alot of pressure and that can be scary. So, that was the plan today, access him and have him sleep that way but once the dr. saw that he was getting really upset, he decided to use the gas. I held him for a bit until they told me not to breath in that direction in case I caught too many whiffs and should fall asleep too. Ashton was scared and crying but they held him and talked to him and in a few seconds he was out. We said good bye and went out in the hall for further instructions. Oh, I forgot to mention that before all this we had to sign a consent for Ashton to get a tattoo! Crazy, isn't it? It is just a small dot, smaller then a freckle, but it will be there the rest of his life. It is on his chest and is there for the purpose of proper alignment of the radiation machine. My baby has a tattoo....imagine.
They ended up accessing his port while he was asleep and that means he doesn't get poked tomorrow. He has this big tube taped to his belly and it is uncomfortable, but like everything else, he will get used to it. They will take it out tomorrow for the weekend, so Monday will be the day of dread...the day they access it before his chemo first thing in the morning...he won't be put under for that. He has a child life specialist who plays with him and tries to make him more comfortable...her name is Vanessa and he really likes her.

He didn't end up having any medicine to calm him before the gas and he didn't have any to help him feel better as he woke. That turned out great because he didn't have the reaction he did last time. He woke up, cried and complained...asked for the sprinkle donut that they were unfortunately all out of in the cafeteria....got mad about that but then got a Popsicle instead.
About 10 minutes after he woke, they sent us home. We were so happy it turned out like that.

Tomorrow is the beginning of his treatment, the beginning of the tough part, but really he has managed to make it through major brain surgery and the complications that came with that,
why would I have reason to think he will have trouble with this....bring it on!