His happy face.

My mom posted this photo of Ashton. This
is the one we kept taped to his bed in the hospital for
everyone to see. It is actually really hard for me to
look at photo's of him right now without breaking down.
It is so hard to see him happy and "normal". I have
been having a really rough day, actually all days are
rough, but not usually until the evening when he has gone
to sleep. Today I just can't help but cry. I think the severity
of the situation is really sinking in....sort of like I am over the
shock of it and now am coming to terms with how tremendous
this all is. People have said how we are doing such a good
job, and how strong we are, and I have told them they would
do the same if they were faced with having a child with cancer.
But the truth is, I'm really not that strong. I cry ALOT.
I catch myself not thinking of it and maybe laughing at a
joke or something on T.V. and then it hits me and I remember
all over again.....my baby has cancer, my sweet boy who I
never thought I deserved because he was just too sweet and loving
has cancer. How can this be happening? I used to always tell
myself, when things were hard and kids were mis-behaving, that
it could be worse, at least I don't have a child with cancer. I swear,
I would say that all the time. And now I do. I am so anxious to
start his treatment and be on the road to recovery. This holiday weekend
has been too long and I'm dwelling too much. I also wish I could
get into the spirit of the holidays and decorate a tree, but there is a
black cloud over me and I just know I can't be feeling happy right
now, which isn't fair to my other kids. I'll go through the motions of
Christmas but this year just won't be the same.