Bitter-sweet homecoming

So today the hospital sent us home...I wish they would have told us what to
expect. It was really hard to walk in and see all of Ashton's toys and things
sitting just like they were when we left and knowing he can't play with them
like he used to. I also wish they would have explained to him that he wouldn't be
able to do everything for himself just because he was home. Dinner was the hardest
part. We got two delicious pizza's delivered, thank you Denise, and they happen
to be from Ashton's favorite pizza place, Tony and Alba's. I thought I would just
feed him sitting up in bed but he insisted on sitting at the table. And in my lap
wasn't good enough, he had to be in his booster. Once we had him balanced
on his chair--I have to hold him steady or he will fall over--he cried because he
was wearing a diaper and he wanted to wear his big boy pants and his jeans.
He has always wanted to wear jeans when eating, he doesn't like sitting on crumbs.
We finally got him all dressed and situated and once again he insisted on trying to
feed himself with a fork, which wasn't going over too well. He was having such trouble
getting his cut up pizza on the fork and it was so pathetic to watch. I feel like I am living
some sad, sad, movie....but its not fiction, its my life now. We are set up to get some
physical and ocupational therapy from rehab without walls. They come into the home
and do all the work in his own environment, they even will take them to the park to work.
Where ever he is used to going, they can work with him. I have been crying most of
this evening and I can't seem to shake it. I just hope I am doing everything right here and I have asked a nurse friend of mine to come over and just help for a bit to make sure I am
doing ok. As for Ashton, I was so proud of him tonight. Just the fact that he wanted to feed
himself and be so independent shows me he is a true fighter and he is going to beat this
cancer.