"Hi Ducks, I have Cancer!"

We were released from the hospital on Friday and we got home around 5pm. We thought we would be leaving earlier in the day, but it turned out Ashton needed another platelet transfusion so that took some time. Our stay seemed to go by so fast this time. I think part of that had to do with the fact that Ashton was never that sick. He obviously wasn't feeling his best because of this red blood count, but it didn't feel as dangerous as the last admit for fever. That's not to say this stay wasn't hard...it was. It was mainly tough because of the reality of our situation. It hit home again but not because of Ashton, this time it was because of a little girl down the hall.
Back in December we attended an event called "Fantasy Flight" I wrote about it at the time.
While we were there, Pat met another dad whose 11 year old daughter was fighting bone cancer. It had begun with pain in the arm which they thought was due to her playing softball. She had a tumor and by the time they discovered it, the cancer had spread to her lungs. Pat told me her story after meeting this man and pointed this little girl out. She looked fine to me...long blond hair, happy smiling face. She was busy playing with her sister and didn't look sick at all to me. Time went by and we saw this dad from time to time but it wasn't until recently that we started seeing them while we were in-patient. They seemed to be in-patient all the time. I got a glimpse of this girl one day as she was walking down the hall...her arm was in a cast and her hair was very short and she had obviously lost a lot of weight. But, she still had a smile on her face.
Pat got a chance to talk to the dad and he told him that they had gone on a trip for her "make a wish" and almost instantly once they returned her arm began to hurt again, the tumor was back and it was bad. A few weeks ago we found out that she had to have her arm amputated. I felt so bad for her...what must it be like for an 11 year old girl to go through this?? Terrible. Well, during our stay this last week, Pat had another chat with her father and he told Pat that they had found out that she wasn't going to make it...her battle was close to over. I was devastated to hear this. I couldn't stop thinking of her, or her family the rest of the day. Our ward in the hospital is made up of all single rooms, with one exception. There is one shared room and we had to stay in that room a couple of months ago and had a pretty bad experience. While complaining I asked why they even had a room with two beds. The nurses explained that it was actually made to accommodate a family in the event a child was to pass away. The room was much larger then the rest. I was shocked and horrified to be put in a room where children have died, but the staff reassured me that it was a new ward, and since most families choose to go home, it hadn't been used for this purpose. That was a relief. Now back to this girl. The morning after Pat told me their terrible news, I was walking in the hall. I was passing by this girls room just as her mother was coming out carrying a bunch of bags. I didn't know what to do...what do you say, do you smile? I just looked and she looked away. I figured they must be going home but then noticed she was headed towards "that room" My heart sank. So, this experience has really made me sad. I don't know this girl or her family, but in a way they are part of our "cancer family" and to find out someone is losing their battle affects us all. My heart goes out to them...and I hope they find the strength to make it through. Its just not fair.

During our stay this time we began walking..not Ashton, but Pat, Carter, Cassidy, and I. Each evening we would do a lap around both hospitals and it would take us about a half hour. Being cooped up in a room all day makes you feel so lazy, so we've decided to do this each time we are there. I want to continue to take walks each day...this time with Ashton. We took one yesterday and he really liked it. While on our walk, we passed through the park at the bottom of our hill. There happened to be a few ducks waddling in the grass. I said "Ashton, look at the ducks! Hi Ducks" and then out of no where Ashton said, in the cutest sing song voice, "Hi Ducks, I have Cancer!" My mouth dropped open. I had no idea he knew that word. We have never talked about it that way. We have explained that he had a bump in his head and we are making sure it doesn't come back, but I can't remember ever telling him he had Cancer. So, he obviously is hearing more then we thought. It was heartbreaking to hear him say that. He is so sweet.

Last night I went to a friends house for a little get together. There were a few women there who I had never met, and who didn't know about Ashton or what my family is going through. The subject never came up. I remember listening to them all talk and feeling so envious about how care free they all seemed. I can't wait to feel that way again. This morning has been a pretty gloomy one for me and I have to put on a happy face for a BBQ in a few hours. I've been grieving for our old life, they way things used to be. But, I know this too shall pass and tomorrow will be a new day.