late nights and emotions

I did something last night I was told not to do. As I sat up late, waiting for Ashton to finish getting his water fed through his pump, I sat online reading another blog about a boy with a similar tumor who had passed away. I don't know why I did that. It was actually a link on a cancer message board and once I clicked on it, I couldn't stop reading. I had to finish the whole story to see how it turned out and man it was sad. So, as I tried to fall asleep last night, which really didn't go over to well, I thought about how I wanted to talk to Ashton's dr again. I wanted her to reassure me that things were going to be ok or at least to tell me why she thought they would be. I had a dream that I got to talk to her and asked why she thought he would be just fine....something she actually told me about 2 weeks ago.....in my dream she looked at me funny and said "I never said that". Then I woke up.....
I got about 4 hours of sleep and I am a wreck when I don't get 8 so basically I woke up crying just believeing this poor boys story would soon be ours. The thing about this boy is he had all his treatment and had many many scans that showed no cancer years later. Then 3 years after the first tumor, two more grew back. He went downhill from there. I was bound and determined to talk to the dr. today just to get a grip and clear my mind. Finally as we were leaving LPCH she called. She is the sweetest...she has an 11 month old baby boy so she really can relate to another "worried" mom. She told me that she truly believed Ashton would be ok. She said he is tolerating his treatment so well, and is otherwise a perfectly healthy boy. She told me she has alot of experience with Medulloblastoma, that it is actually the most common cancerous brain tumor in children and that most kids are high risk, like Ashton. I had no idea...I really thought we were the worst off. She went on to say that there is no reason for him not to be able to be cured from this....but, if something should happen....like a recurrance, then things would be more dire. His chances of survival would be much smaller and she would be completely honest with me about that right away. She told me that this is why he is getting such aggressive treatment right now...this is the one big shot at getting this thing in Ashton's head. She thinks he will be fine...she thinks he will be fine....she thinks he will be fine....I need to repeat that over and over each night. Even though the recurrance scares the heck out of me, I need to focus on the fact that she is very confidant about Ashton and has much hope for him. By the way, she told me that the tumor this other boy had was alot different from Ashtons...they can be in parts of the brain that are harder to treat. I need to not compare stories....I need to stay off the internet!
Lesson learned!

A friend of mine dropped a bag of stuff for Ashton on the porch today. Some healing cream for his skin and a bunch of wrist bands that say "Ashton's circle of hope" I can't believe he has his names on these bands! That is so cool! I believe they will be passing them out at the skate night or selling them...not sure which. Also, I had a phone interview with a reporter from the Press Banner yesterday. He said he was going to do a small story on Ashton along with an announcement of the Skate for Ashton Sake fundraiser. It should be in this Friday's edition so keep a look out.

Ashton was really sleepy today. He had a great weekend, he ended up taking 6 steps on his own on Monday so he is really making progress. Today though he was too tired. But, his smile is bright and his color is good and amazingly his white blood cell count was 5.4! That is up from Friday which was 1.2. A normal child has a WBC between 6 and 12 so Ashton is almost normal!! Those shots I had to give him each day this weekend really worked. He also doesn't need a transfusion again or a dose of platelets. Thats for now though...lets see what they say on Friday. He counts should not go down much anymore because he is just getting the boost of radiation to the brain at the spot where the tumor was. No more spine and full brain. Yipee! Maybe he will be feeling well enough to make it to his big night on the 31st. Even if its only for a few minutes, I will be so happy.